Recently I was doing some training online with my anatomy teacher and he casually reminded us all in attendance that every form studied by anatomists presented on an outbreath, no one leaves this realm breathing in.
It seems so obvious the first thing we do on arrival is take a deep breath in, the final act a deep breath out but how much time have you ever given it in-between?
I often remind my classes that Oxygen is their first source of energy, even before water & food our very existence depends on our ability to simply inhale & exhale, it is the only part of our autonomic nervous system we can directly pause using our thoughts. It’s all rather miraculous and extraordinary in truth.
Today my friend stopped breathing finally, he had been admitted to hospital 10 days ago just as I was about to stop teaching for Easter, usually my time to retreat to the New Forest ironically just to stop and breathe for a week. This time however, I travelled down having collected his (very stressed) cat, meaning we all had to move into the spare room whilst she decompressed and I had to have my phone on 24/7 as he had named me next of kin (I almost never have any sounds or notifications on my phone, I loathe unnecessary noise) suddenly I found myself in the world of acute care, key workers, palliative care teams & a man with final wishes and not enough time to put them into place, he died waiting for a solicitor, he literally held his breath for as long as he could before his lungs finally gave in.
So as I reflect on a man I once used to walk my dogs with, a man long estranged from family, once made homeless after having a nervous breakdown & losing his business, a man who stood on Lambeth bridge 20 years ago ready to jump only to be saved by a passing stranger, a man left in temporary housing for 20 years whilst his health deteriorated year in , year out. A deeply proud man who had smoked too much weed for years to quiet the isolation of a mental breakdown & relentless social judgement.
My friend was smart, talented, funny & damaged. His last message to me in between the invasive noise of the CPAP machine was of having ‘No regrets, no regrets…’ I watched as imperfect disconnected systems made him feel both grateful & neglected simultaneously. I watched as NHS staff continually battled to give him a quality of life, whilst battling the chaos of his living conditions, as charity funded key workers tried to help a man no longer remembered or valued by society.
I hope as we messaged this last week, as I advocated for him with anyone I could talk to and as I sat with his cat even as she raged with fear that my friend felt seen, I hope he felt valued and that he felt his life mattered. I hope that deep within he felt he could finally breath easier even as his lungs were failing. I hope he found peace.
This country is not broken but some of our communities are, the unseen, the lonely, the isolated. Those just trying to take one breath and then another, they matter, you matter, we matter.
And as for Lady Mabelline Bellatrix (Mabel the cat) her energy is still raging but its also seeking play & mischief, what a difference a week makes, after the first two days of her refusing to eat I sat with her and reminded her she had a choice, to stay in the rage or fight to survive the grief, she alone made a choice & she chose to stay, she also allowed us back into our bedroom.
When all is said and done we are all a little bit cracked, it is Afterall how the light gets in.
Rest in peace Pat, I hope you have returned to walking your beloved Junior & Ben whichever realm you made it to,
Much love & remember to just breathe,
Suzy xx
